| Mimo. Yew knaw it maykes sense. |
[10 May 2004|11:34pm] |
Friends only from now on.
So, if you want to read you'll have to be like one of those snot-nosed, skinny-wristed, viking long boat-head LJ user types and grovel to me in the form of a "HEY! Yr g8r! Can I add plz?" type post. And if you don't want to add, then you're obviously stupid anyway... "You can't fault God" as Gary would say..... No sir-ee.
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[12 May 2003|09:29pm] |
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music |
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Cilla Black - Liverpool Lullaby |
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Yes, to be honest I am surprised at how few people seem to add me. It really does astound me. The Hutchinson-Gilford Grrrrrrrrrl; a post-modern symbol of the avant garde offering radical new thinking for the modern age via dance and other nice interesting ways, which everyone decides to so flippantly pass by, 'No, Id much rather read journals about underage girls 'makin ooot' with old fellas and spreading pedigree chum on their twats so their dogs just yum it all up. No, I don't wish to be enlightened, I wish you'd go away and stop trying to touch me.'
Well.
Its at times like these that the words of my mother come to me, "No doubt there'll be a room full" and then I go and cut and burn passers by. I deserve to be idolised and seriously, there'd better be some changes around here soon.
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[03 May 2003|07:38pm] |
Stopping that laughing ... This is serious!
My dog refused to speak,
so I nailed him to the wall.
Yes, I've sewn my eye-lids shut.
And I hope they heal over.
I'm shaving off my pubic hair.
I lead an active life ...
Stood in front of the window,
My neighbour can see me.
He'll probably compliment me
On my child-like, pube-free groin later.
Took another hostage yesterday. I say,
"Ahhhh, get that gravy down your neck ...
Before I chop it off!"
I cannot move my arms.
Oh, so happy that my ears are bleeding.
I focus on the pain.
My pants feel kinda wet,
I hope it's only sweat.
Supreme! That's how I feel after shopping,
At Poundstretchers ...
Might torch the place later.
Well the Teletubbies said it all ... "Eh-oh"
... That means I must rape again.
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| Festive thoughts.. What if God was one of us? |
[20 Apr 2003|04:41pm] |
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mood |
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Like a karayzee mutha |
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music |
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Morrissey - Jack the ripper |
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I despise being forced to enter churches for things like christening and weddings but whenever I go in one I get #Everybody in the house of God, everybody in the house of god. One God, one god.. Everybody in the house of God# .. Going round in my head throughout the service, whilst I sit alone in my pugh sniggering at my own jokes that are in my head and eating daffodils that I stole off the windowsill. They had a little carving of Jesus wiping mud off the bottom of his crucafix too, "Don't you just hate it when that happens, Joseph!" Im sure there was a section in the reading where the priest said that outside the tomb, Jesus was seen alive and well, jogging. I was gerring glared at by relatives for laughing like a giddy 5 year old for that. "God's house, keep out. No muppets allaahhhwed". "Mam, just going over to God's house for a bit, be back laddduurr". You could ring him up and ask him to tape Emmerdale for you cos you're not home. There was even a priest at the door, rubbing his fingers together in your face to ask for money for the "collection". Muthas. I know theyre going to spend it on child porn and sweets to lure them into the House of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savoiur and molest them in his holy name. Jesus weren't no kiddy fiddler you dumb fool, he was quite the man about town in his burberry mantle and his kindly smile.. Not too kind though, hes norra pervert.
I find it very difficult to maintain interest in all this livejournal buisness. The only journal I really read is my own. I can usually get about half way down the first entry on my friends page before I lose the will to live and turn away to my toploader cd for some light relief. Phew. "My favourite colour is blue... I went back to the shop today and bought some gravy and then I came home and I made my gravy and then I ate my gravy on some food, then I sat in a chair. It was a nice chair. I feel so alone sometimes. Grans visiting on Thursday. I bruised my elbow today, sometimes I wish I was dead."
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[06 Apr 2003|02:46am] |
Me, Mark and Sarah went to the river, where I built a throne/ time machine for myself out of stones. Complete with thumb rests, arm, foot and back rests with added toe rests and levers to assist in the process of time travel. It was beautiful, I wept but almost set my face on fire today from building the bonfire too close to it. Mark built a roman wall-bench type atrocity and sarah built a... chair. If you can call it that, it was more like a pile of stones. Very unimpressive, both of them. Our group effort at a coffee table was a bit shit though, I admit that. Like most geniuses, I work alone.
My god, it was genius despite the fact that we looked like we had severe learning difficulties, pottering about on a stone island rearranging stones and arguing over whos seat was the best... Im 21 this year.
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[28 Mar 2003|07:32pm] |
Some news headlines which me and  markle sparkle created, which I think many people believed were real:
DAILY MAIL: OLD MAN RESEMBLING "THE DEVIL" FOUND TOSSING OFF IN LIBRARY OVER ILLUSTRATIONS OF HORSES COCK!
WAR ON TERROR / LATEST:
BUSH DECLARES WAR ON MONDAYS,
HE SAYS, "I DON'T LIKE MONDAYS"
ITV NEWS:
TERRY LLOYD IN FAKE DEATH PRANK;
"I JUST WANTED PEOPLE TO MISS ME"
DAILY TELEGRAPH:
BLUNKETT EXPLAINS "WHY I DON'T LIKE NIGGERS, PAKIS, OR CHINKS... OR SPACKERS"
ITN:
BUSH ANNOUNCES NEW RECIPE
FOR "UNCLE BEN'S STIR FRY"
CNN:
6 BILLION IRAQI CIVILIANS KILLED IN "PAINTBALL ATTACK"... BLAIR SAYS "REMEMBER WHEN SNICKERS BARS WERE CALLED MARATHONS?"
BBC NEWS 24:
COALITION FORCES FIND WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION MADE FROM "BLU-TAC AND PAPER-CLIPS"
NORTHERN ECHO:
BLAIR SAYS: ALL FOREIGNERS SHOULD BE KILLED TO DEATH
INDEPENDANT:
SUPERNOODLES DELIVERED TO "PECKISH" CHILDREN IN AFRICA (PAGE 4)
THE SUN:
SPASTICS SENT "ON HOLIDAY" TO IRAQ
DAILY STAR:
DIRTY OLD QUEER FOUND UP A TREE
DAILY STAR:
MORRISSEY IN MEAT RELAPSE: "HONESTLY, BACON SANDWICH FEEL INTO MY MOUTH... I'M STILL A VEGETARIAN THOUGH"
LATEST NEWS / BBC NEWS 24:
MIKE JOYCE RE-UNITED WITH MONKEY TRIBE
FATHER OF FOUR GETS FOOT-LOOSE AND GASES HIS CHILDREN!
MOTHER LEFT FEELING "SOMEWHAT MIFFED"
OLD DEAR ARRESTED FOR INDECENT CLIT EXPOSURE!
ICE CREAM VAN GOES MENTAL IN BOMBAY BAD BOY MASSACRE
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[21 Mar 2003|02:43am] |
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McCarthy-&tomorrow the stock exchange will be the human race |
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War? What is it good for?
Killing people.
Tony Blair's a smug little shit isnt he? UN say, no.. He just stands there in the meeting going, "Ain't no clown, don't wanna back down don't need you ta tell meh whats go-wun daaahhwwwnn". At that point one of them pushes his face backwards with the palm of their hand and bring his little nervous monkey dance (which consists of shifting form one foot to the other) to an abrupt and humiliating holt. Then the representative from france runs round the back of him and kicks him in the knee pit so his leg gives out and he's even more embarrassed. You hear a pathetic little "Ooo!" from him before they push him over and his little clammy hands slap off the cold, hard floor and take with them any remaining dignity which he may have been hiding from us all.
The Daily Mail is the most amusing thing Ive ever read... Put a million monekhs in front of a million type writers and within ten minutes one of them will come up with a copy of the Daily Mail.
I hope Mark Thomas keeps to his promise of pushing for Blair and old monkey faced Bush to be tried as war cwiminawz when this is all done. It would make me smile fondly to myself.
Ooo.. Im sweatin'
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[18 Mar 2003|03:26am] |
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mood |
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Browned off |
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music |
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Interpol |
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Oh fuckery doo, life is pain innit?
Theres only so long you can do your old-man-in-a-new-york-lounge-bar-doing-an-unexpected-and-over-enthusiastic-tap-dance-solo-with-a-stick-and-a-bowler-hat before you lose the will to live.
Jesus, Londons a shit hole isnt it? You dirty southern fuckers with your strict diet of tuna and brown food stuffs. Drumtech University, urrr, the worst offenders. "Yeah, let's jam.. Lets do a little urban chill out number.. You wanna do a bass solo? Yeah, we'll do a bass solo, we're all friends here... I'll just sling a towel over my shoulder... That cool? Yeah, thats cool. We're all friends here.. All good friends... You wanna all just clap your hands while we play a liddle sowng? Yeah, you clap your hands. Mmmmmm" Fuck off, luv!
When they told people they could join in, singing in the audience it was like something off The Office.. People just looked at them, with blank, unimpressed expressions thinking "T-wats" apart from the little southern rich kids who bore their front teeth in joy at their bland music, eagerly nodding their bulbous heads along to the 'vibes' clapping their little malformed hands. I've never wanted to hurt so many people at one time. The worst offender being a disgusting little menopausal woman who I suspect reeked quite fiercely of fish if you were to get too close. She sung in a man voice thinking she was some jazz legend from the sixties, "ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-" Fuck off! You can't just stand on stage and make noises you twat! It was the same voice that I put on for things like.. The Animal l'hopital theme, only I have the decency to be sarcastic about it. And then there was the black man who I actually burst out laughing at, "Ahh, huh yeah.. Uh.. yeah... Huh.. Uhhh" Yes, good song.. You're quite the poet aren't you, luv?
Listening to the radio makes me angry too.. Gives me wind as well, strangely enough...
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| Killa killa... |
[24 Feb 2003|10:56pm] |
I was very disappointed tonight. I was getting really excited, even shouted at for being over-excited in anticipation of more killings. Richard Hillman however, did not deliver the goods. There was a grand total of 0 killings and he stupidly admitted everything to that chinless creature Gale. Its times like this, I think of Trevor and weep for his departure... He would have 'brayed' Gale goodstyle. Pinning her down by her spherical face dosen't surfice, Richard.. You could have at least cut her.
You could hear these whispers of 'killaaaaa killaaaaa' as he appeared at the top of the staircase with his long, extended killa killa fingers and his long pointy shoes..
When they shag, she worbled like a turkey and his mouth opens slightly and shuts in the rectangular shape like this :[] :[ ] :[] :[ ] as he rises up and down. Trevor raped his wife then said, "Aww Mo.. Its just a wee bit of rough and tumble" Which made me piss myself, the best line to follow a rape ever.. I wish I was a rapist.
The episode ends on Gale phoning her mother in a flood of tears, asking her if she can remember where she had put her chin. Noone knew of course...
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[24 Feb 2003|12:23am] |
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Crikey! |
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music |
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The Smiths - Well I wonder |
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Pfffffff.
I don't really know what to say. I can't actually stop shaking and fidgeting. maybe I shouldn't snort (well.. drink, anyway) so much caffiene. I dunno. I feel like Ive gone 'ape-shit' maaannnnn.
:[] <--- Me pulling a Gary-off-Eastenders face in confusion.
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[22 Feb 2003|06:19pm] |
It worries me how people seem to think its acceptable to eat the following foods:
Tuna
Tuna
Tuna
Prawns
Fish (of any kind)
Fish.. Specifically kippers
Fish... Whole or with its skin and wee small eeeeeyes
Crab sticks (Particuarly dirty as they try to make them look like sweets, all pink and see through, bone marrow white.)
Salmon slices
Peas pudding
Tuna
Muscles
Cockles
Crackling
Fallopian tubes
Tuna... The flaky dead skin from a long dead, agéd womans vaginal passage.
I saw another person in Newcastle the other day whos haircut made me feel very violent. As I screamed and yelped in anguish, walking down the street asking myself why people like this were allowed to live and discussing all the different ways I would like go about hurting him, Dave pointed out the fact that he was actually walking level with me on the pavement. Never moiiind. I'm sure it happens to him all the time...
Thankyou for me new icon Monsenior Love-Piss.
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[18 Feb 2003|10:07pm] |
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[18 Feb 2003|12:12am] |
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:I :I :I :I :I :I :I :I :I :I |
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Radiohead - Like spinning Plates (live) |
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Fucking Hell! I get complained at for not giving my cat a varied enough diet cos I think fish stinks and is so very, very wrong and dirty. So.. I agreed, cos he can't live at mine, that he could eat fish when I couldn't see him. So... Dirty, rancid whore decides to feed him nothing but minging, frigging fish. Which, apart from anything else is a very limited diet, isn't it? Not to mention a very, very DIRTY diet. Tuna on a plate... *cries*, salmon chunks, fucking shrimp flavoured things, pilchards, sardines. How rancid! And when he purrs and jumps on my knee, I look like a bitch for pushing him away, he looks at me, eyes full of tears ... And I just can't make him see cos he's a cat and he dosen't understand my northern accent.
I can imagine in years to come, she'll steal my cat and sit there watching countdown naked with her smelly, unwashed arse marking the fabric of the armchair with brown, smelly methane particles, laughing loudly at Richard Whitely's jokes whilst listening to Robert Palmer and eating prawns with her mouth open out of her manky, cold, sweaty hands along with crab sticks just casually discarding of any dirty left over skin, on the brown, trodden in, matted carpet. Then she'll get up without washing her hands and naked-dance to careless Whispers by George Michael, rubbing her rather oversized, dappled and discoloured buttocks together, generating both friction and heat as well as smell in the most dirty and unclean dance imaginable whilst opening and shutting her mouth like a distressed peadophile making those dirty spitty noises that give her so much dirty pleasure. And all will be full of fish!
Oh, I can't live in a world where such things are allowed to go on, I'm off to kill myself... And my poor, wee Mo (cat), Steven Patrick Morrissey IInd. Its for your own good.
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| Ode to Richard Hillman (from coronation Street) |
[22 Nov 2002|12:19am] |
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Deeply dark |
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Tomahawk |
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Richard Hillman; The Love-Hate Machine
I'm a m-ean mutha and a killa-killa
Don't like Audrey gonna killa killa
Gails in the bedroom gonna filla filla
Cos I'm a m-ean mutha and a thrilla killa
Sending off demos cds, keep your fallopian tubes crossed.
Maxine dies. Aww, major bummer man. Can't believe that. Bum city. "LAST STOP FOR BUMMERS CENTRAL"
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| Senility |
[13 Nov 2002|12:20am] |
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Dim |
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Nick Drake - Fruit Tree |
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I really am going senile. The other week I made eye contact with a dog at work, I thought to myself... "Best smile if I don't say hello, cos its rude to make eye contact and walk off" so I smiled... Then thought, "Hang on!! Its a fucking DOG!" And hoped noone had seen that little incident before I made a quick exit.
Few days later, I got some money out of a cash machine in the bank and as it spat my money out, I muttered, "Thanks" and toddled off, then thought, "aww Jesus Christ, its a cash machine"
Dave phoned me today, I picked it up and said "Hello?"
Dave: Hello
Me: Hi, its me
Dave: Er.. Yeah, I know.. I phoned you.
Its age... Plus the fact that Ive been knackered all morning, he phoned at 9am and woke me up, then spent about a full minute laughing so hysterically to the point of aggression at my croaky, "Eeeelohh" that its confused me for the rest of the day.
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[10 Nov 2002|01:16am] |
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mood |
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Love Dup |
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music |
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Mike Patton's, "Trust me I have wet fingers" voice |
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Aww *wrinkles up nose*, wouldn't it be nice if we could all live in harmony together? Sit and touch each others hair on the couch and laugh at Ant and Dec jokes with genuine smiles on our faces. My face will glisten as I smile and people will think, "Is that sweat or grease?" Aww, cuteness.
Oh, I dream of the day when prejudice and hatred will be a thing of the past and we all smile and the world heaves a huge sigh of relief together, in one enormous, relaxing exhalation. And then.. Aaahhh... Peace... Oh, that would be grand.
I would have seven children, one black- Ranatattan, one chinese- wo bingo lee, one muslim -yasa arafatmid, one sikh - Ye-oh ruantassanamahhhhhh.. and one jewish- Woody Goldschmidt Jr. One indian- Tittiramaswad and a token white child- Milko (oh, yeah it would be the whities that were the token gestures in adverts, "Oh look a white child, yes... We haven't forgotten yyyyyooouu!!") And I would love them all dearly regardless of colour or creed.
Anyway, I'm off to buff up my Ainsley Hariet tattoo. Good luck with world love, keep the spirit alive and always believe. It can happen.
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[10 Nov 2002|12:53am] |
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Browned up |
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Mary Bruw-an |
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Marryyyyy Bruuu-wun she went ta tuuwwn, for to buy some ehh-eeegs,
When she got those liddul eggs home she baked them in an pa-ahhhn
Oh--oooooohh mareh bruwn (yeh yeh), oh oh mareh brown (uuuhhh-uh)
Mareh mareh brown brown
Mareh Bruuu-wwun sheeeh went ta tuwwwn for to buy some chip fat
When she got that little fat home she baked them in a pa-aaannn
Oh--oooooohh mareh bruwn (woo woo), oh oh mareh brown (*clap* *clap*)
Mareh mareh brown brown
Mareh Bruw-hun sheeeh went ta tuwn for to buy beef bur-gurrrs
When she got those beefies home she baked them in a pa-aaaan
Oh--oooooohh mareh bruwn (yeh yeh), oh oh mareh brown (uuuhhh-uh)
Mareh mareh brown brown
Mareh bru-wun sheh went ta tu-wuhn for to wave at peo-paaall
When she'd wave out all her waves she went and smiled at people
Oh--oooooohh mareh bruwn (WOO yeh), oh oh mareh brown (uuuhhh-uh)
Mareh mareh brown brown
Mary Bruw-han is my american folk song. And Sarah if you thought I had finally forgotten about Good ol Mary bruw-an, thought you was safe misseh.. You were wrong. To everyone else, the magic is in the way its sung. The internet is such a limited media. *Le sigh*
Oh, and Facsimile. There. I have to join the masses and mention her tonight.
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