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Prolapsed Rectum Babe

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[13 Jan 2005|12:12pm]
Sci-fi MADNESS!!Collapse )
19| +

[22 Feb 2003|06:19pm]
It worries me how people seem to think its acceptable to eat the following foods:
Tuna
Tuna
Tuna
Prawns
Fish (of any kind)
Fish.. Specifically kippers
Fish... Whole or with its skin and wee small eeeeeyes
Crab sticks (Particuarly dirty as they try to make them look like sweets, all pink and see through, bone marrow white.)
Salmon slices
Peas pudding
Tuna
Muscles
Cockles
Crackling
Fallopian tubes
Tuna... The flaky dead skin from a long dead, agéd womans vaginal passage.

I saw another person in Newcastle the other day whos haircut made me feel very violent. As I screamed and yelped in anguish, walking down the street asking myself why people like this were allowed to live and discussing all the different ways I would like go about hurting him, Dave pointed out the fact that he was actually walking level with me on the pavement. Never moiiind. I'm sure it happens to him all the time...

Thankyou for me new icon Monsenior Love-Piss.
20| +

[18 Feb 2003|10:07pm]


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[18 Feb 2003|12:12am]
[ mood | :I :I :I :I :I :I :I :I :I :I ]

Fucking Hell! I get complained at for not giving my cat a varied enough diet cos I think fish stinks and is so very, very wrong and dirty. So.. I agreed, cos he can't live at mine, that he could eat fish when I couldn't see him. So... Dirty, rancid whore decides to feed him nothing but minging, frigging fish. Which, apart from anything else is a very limited diet, isn't it? Not to mention a very, very DIRTY diet. Tuna on a plate... *cries*, salmon chunks, fucking shrimp flavoured things, pilchards, sardines. How rancid! And when he purrs and jumps on my knee, I look like a bitch for pushing him away, he looks at me, eyes full of tears ... And I just can't make him see cos he's a cat and he dosen't understand my northern accent.

I can imagine in years to come, she'll steal my cat and sit there watching countdown naked with her smelly, unwashed arse marking the fabric of the armchair with brown, smelly methane particles, laughing loudly at Richard Whitely's jokes whilst listening to Robert Palmer and eating prawns with her mouth open out of her manky, cold, sweaty hands along with crab sticks just casually discarding of any dirty left over skin, on the brown, trodden in, matted carpet. Then she'll get up without washing her hands and naked-dance to careless Whispers by George Michael, rubbing her rather oversized, dappled and discoloured buttocks together, generating both friction and heat as well as smell in the most dirty and unclean dance imaginable whilst opening and shutting her mouth like a distressed peadophile making those dirty spitty noises that give her so much dirty pleasure. And all will be full of fish!

Oh, I can't live in a world where such things are allowed to go on, I'm off to kill myself... And my poor, wee Mo (cat), Steven Patrick Morrissey IInd. Its for your own good.

12| +

Ode to Richard Hillman (from coronation Street) [22 Nov 2002|12:19am]
[ mood | Deeply dark ]

Richard Hillman; The Love-Hate Machine

I'm a m-ean mutha and a killa-killa
Don't like Audrey gonna killa killa
Gails in the bedroom gonna filla filla
Cos I'm a m-ean mutha and a thrilla killa

Sending off demos cds, keep your fallopian tubes crossed.

Maxine dies. Aww, major bummer man. Can't believe that. Bum city. "LAST STOP FOR BUMMERS CENTRAL"

5| +

[02 Oct 2002|02:38am]
My membership card for the velcro contingency plan, our elite art circle:

6| +

[22 Sep 2002|02:49am]
[ mood | hella-pissed ]



Why a-yew no reply to mah e-mayls? I kell you.
13| +

[20 Sep 2002|01:02am]
[ mood | Desperate to piss. ]

I always said I would write a leaflet of essential spanish phrases for use on holiday, when I got out. My spanish might be a bit rusty, it was a while ago since I left um.. school:

</td>

1. Would you like to meet up sometime and discuss rape over a warm cola?

2. You'd better start calling me sir, very soon or I will cut your face

3. Hello. I like to play the piano. Goodbye.

4. Urinate in my mouth please

5. I am the brown crusader

6. I like the smell of old people

7. I'm going to cut you... Cut you good

8. I like to wee myself slowly, whilst listening to Phil Collins.

9. Ain't half hot, mum

10. You make me want to shit.

11. Where can I purchase some smack?
1. ¿usted tienen gusto de la reunión subieron alguna vez y discutieron la cola caliente del excedente de la violación?

2. Usted mejoraría comienzo que me llama sir, muy pronto o cortaré su cara

3. Hola. Me gusta toca la piano. Adios.

4. Orine en mi boca, por favor

5. Soy la crusadez marron

6. Me gusta del olor de la vieja gente

7. Voy a cortarle... Córtele bueno

8. Me gusta a mojarme lentamente mientras que escucha Phil Collins

9. No es la media momia caliente

10. Usted hace que desea cagar

11. ¿Dónde puedo comprar un cierto smack?
9| +

[19 Sep 2002|03:24am]
This is Mark, he likes you.
THIS COULD BE SOMETHUN SPECIAL!

SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL! SPECIAL!
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[18 Sep 2002|06:04pm]
[ mood | drained ]

A while ago Q magazine said they were doing a Cliff Richards Interview and for people to write in with questions for him. I just found a sheet of paper that me and my brother wrote out but never actually got round to sending off
1.I carved your tour dates into my arm, I am truly your no. 1 fan.
2.My puppy did a whoopsy on my favourite CD (the Best of Cliff) I skinned him… Did I do good?
3.Mother’s made tea and sandwiches (edges cut off). Please pop around some time or I’ll kill myself
4.Mum knitted me a tank top with your tour dates on the back and Christian logo on the front
5.Cliff, your lyrics inspired me and made me into the fine figure of a murderer I am today. You’re even better than Sting (Eyyy-Ooo)! The best singer ever.
6.Do you like Dad’s Army?
7.Sometimes I touch myself whilst looking at your image… Will I go to hell?
8. Can I call you dad?
9.I painted a mural on my bedroom ceiling of you… You are the last thing I see on a night and the first thing I see in the morning.
10.I like watching “Link”

Not as amusing as I had remembered it to be, but still… I would like to see old Cliff answer a few of those in an interview.

5| +

Go t'post below if you're from soultied's journal [17 Sep 2002|01:13am]
[ mood | amused ]

If everyones wondering whats going on with the replies below look here

I personally find it amusing. Oh you americans and your "insults"!

My inbox can't cope with the influx of hate mail ~snigger~ All over an icon too. "You've got me feeling emotions..."

55| +

School memories thoroughly raped.. Quite roughly too.. [16 Sep 2002|01:25am]
[ mood | tired ]

Why, when teachers went to bollock you for something, or when they didn't quite know how to handle a situation it was always the same?

"ERMMMMMMMM.......!!!"

The almost-stern, monotone, drone-like voice, although it wasn't sure of itself or if it should really be stern. Im not sure if we were supposed to be put in our place by that or what.

Then there was this teacher, when I was about 8 who used to read you stories and start off the sentence all loud and confident, then by the end, her voice was this distant muffle coming out of her nostrils. ~Shudders~ Who thinks to themselves, "Yeah, its acceptable to talk in this way.. Actually.. It sounds quite good. Might carry on." Miss On'Neill who threw me out of sex education classes for turning around when someone dropped a pencil tin on the floor... She was so ridiculously embarrassed she was all red in the face and flustered throughout informing us of "the fucntions of the twat", Okay, she didnt really say that, but it would have amused me greatly if she had. "The ur.. The ur.. ~Muffled~ Uterus, ahem." Maybe thats why I am so clueless in that area. I always thought fannies were to store your pens in. I will never forgive you for that "Erm" phenomena though. It was vile. Die. Please. And be quick about it.

Oh yeah, and thanks for the hella-spot days before the band photos, that was kind of you, pet.

88| +

"Eres our Graham, with a quick reminder" [13 Sep 2002|06:38pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

A while ago, Dave and and myself decided that during our second year as art students we would wear berrets. However, I plan to take it a bit further than that.

I've just been to town, bought a red neck tie, looked for a black one... I have my 99 pence artists shades from superdrug. My off the shoulder black artists top. Black berret. Im going back for a long black cigarette holder and a black suit top. I will walk around the entire year talking in a posh accent but using frenchisms like, conversassioh (conversation) and I won't let it slip once, no artist talks in a yorkshire accent afterall. I will also call people "ignorant" and "common" a lot, but I'll nod my head aggressively as I do it like your average toff. Swearing in a posh accent... Ha. "You're a kent.. Nothing but a kent. Now feck orf" I have also started a topic called "Various twats" as my parody of feminist art, which I intend to present as a serious piece. My first picture is called "Troubled twat" Its a sad looking face trapped beneath a wrinkley pink circle. It should actually go down quite well, they don't like it when I do proper work like paintings or anything, we should do more installations apparently. My next piece will then be a Heinz baked bean tin shoved in a hollowed out red cabbage. Perhaps I'll leave a few beans in, I dont know yet. Then comes the hairy mouth...

As you can tell, we have to make our own entertainment at university cos theres nothing to do.

6| +

[10 Sep 2002|11:56pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

We were filming tonight, pretending to be in a self help group with Emily blabbering on about her tape worm while I sat with my mouth wide open, looking about like a vacant retard, but none of us could keep a straight face and we had to keep stopping the tape. We were filming people as they passed us by and standing outside Garys house to see if we could film him masturbating in front of the TV to Trisha.

I think we should film what we did the other day; we drove into the new housing area, where all the really rich toffs live, stopped the car, opened the doors with "Looking out for Lynda" by Hue and Cry blaring out and did business man dancing on the street. There should have been some confused toff faces that night, peeping out from behind the curtain.

Looking out for Lynda- supermarket music at its best, "She spent 35 pounds on one pack of ciggies"

3| +

[10 Sep 2002|06:44pm]
[ mood | blah ]



Lately, I have just been going about my daily routine as normal then it hits me... "Aww, God! Ill be 20 in a matter of weeks." Its all hip replacements and Stannah stairlifts from here.

7| +

[07 Sep 2002|02:17am]
[ mood | excited ]

I went to work at 7 o'clock today and a few hours later there was police swarming about. Turns out that the shop next door had been held up by a robber with a gun. I was sort of disappointed that they didn't rob our pub. We don't have a safe and our tills are jam packed with money unlike the ones next door and I could do with some excitement. The other barmaid I worked with was saying, "Ohh, what if they hold us up?" I was like.. "Why? Hold us at gun point for a pint of Fosters??!!" The police came in asking people for details and interviewing them, asking where they'd been during 9pm. I don't know what they expected, that the robber had held up the shop then popped next door for a relaxing pint? Noone would unfortunately think of robbing a pub. Anyway, apparently he got caught straight afterwards cos the thick bugger robbed the shop and drove home for a cup of tea I expect.. Stressful day and all for him...

I texted my friend David who works there to check if he was ok but he hadn't been working that night, which was good.

I'd quite like to leave actually. Theres this scummy boy who keeps getting drunk all the time, last week he was girating his groin in my face as I cleared up his smashed glass and then trying to rub his bits on my back.. I was so shocked I just sort of stuttered out, "What are you doing? Get off" Today he was telling me to sit down with him and when I said no, he started shouting at me really loud then walking up to me and trying to rub my back, I was actually quite scared. I thought it would be my opportunity to stand up for myself and tell him how I would like to break his face but its no use.. I am so shy and cowardly. I can't deal with people like that. I always crumble at the crucial moment.

He's a boy and so stronger than me, thats my excuse.

6| +

[28 Aug 2002|01:43am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Today we went to the glamour capital.. Yes you fool, I'm talking about Whitby, where else? The most foul smelling fishing port with the odour of the deepest quim chasms of an dying old woman. Lovely. The train ride there was insane, we travelled through loads of small made up villages that I still don't actually believe exist. All the people on the train were actors and the scenery outside was just taken, recycled and rearranged to make the next stop as soon as we had passed through. I mean.. Egton, do they really expect us to believe theres a real town called Egton?? Sarah said the cows in the field were people in suits, and sure enough they were.. If you looked closely you could see one of them wearing trainers. I wasn't fooled. And when it came to leaving the glamour capital the Whitbians wouldn't let us go.. They claimed that there'd been an accident and that all trains were off that day, the station was deserted. I know better. Damn them for making us catch the bus through the countryside so we inhaled shit particles the size of golf balls from manure. I'll not forget.

Oh and one last thing- it looks like I will be able to get a kitten if it lives at my brother's house. She will be called Morrissey, have big blue eyes and a soft manchunian accent. Oh yes.

12| +

Peer pressure... [26 Aug 2002|12:54am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Yes, I made a trading card...


LiveJournal
Trading Cards
Free Account Edition
crystal_japan
User Number: 598743
Date Created:2002-06-18
Number of Posts: 22

Crystal Japan was found many years ago in an alley way, living in an empty crisp packet with a used condom for a ventilator due to poor NHS funding. Adopted by lepers, nursed back to health and thoroughly dried out from old tramp piss she now excells in bringing pain to the world via the power of dance.. and sometimes song.
Strengths: The ability to grind people down through relentless, inane banter and hours of ruthless sick dancing.
Weaknesses: Old mens smiles.
Special Skills: Being avant garde
Weapons: Slack twat attack, brown breath attack.
Allies: Jimmy Somerville, Chesney Hawkes, Stefan Dennis and David Hasselhoff.


Make your own LiveJournal Trading Card!
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5| +

[23 Jul 2002|01:53am]
[ mood | amused ]

Haha, I just found this post from last night:

What a foul mouth little bugger!Collapse )

13| +

"Life is pain"... [21 Jul 2002|01:18am]
[ mood | embarrassed ]

... Especially when you realise that aging women find this attractive.

Oh you CUNT.

Please... never let me get old.

Oh great! My mams just walked in and caught me with a big picture of David Hasslehoff on the screen. My poor, battered dignity...

9| +

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